Work on your shit.
One of the last things she ever texted me was: “If God could speak directly to you, he would say stay here and work on your shit.”
My last warm feelings for humanity
“This creature softened my heart of stone. She died and with her died my last warm feelings for humanity.” ~ Joseph Stalin.
When are you coming back?
Today is the day that I found out, and here we are now 6 months later and I have to be honest about something. Come clean, confess and be upfront… Truth is, I’m not OK.
When she left, it broke me. In every possible way. Mentally, physically, emotionally. My soul is damaged, my heart aches, my outlook is bleak. She was the glue the held me together. Mended my wounds, kept me focused on my goals and always had me looking forward to better things.
She was my best friend, my lover, my rock, constant source of happiness, joy, and perhaps the most consistent person that I’ve ever met. I loved her. And she was going to be a part of me till death, only hers happened too soon.
The consequence of this is those who I thought were close friends completely abandon me. Those that said they would be there for me in my time of need, now their lines ring till voice mail and text and tweets go silent. Id like to say I don’t mind, but I do. Its like salt in the wound. I should not have to face this alone, but I guess these are the things that make me stronger.
Frankly, I don’t know how I’m suppose to cope. I try to be strong in her absence, And I say absence because there is a small part of my subconscious that has not let go. From time to time I say to myself late at night.
“When are you coming back?”
And the scarey part is, I mean it. Deep down, I think its a reality. That I’ll look at my phone and I’ll have a voice mail waiting from her. I don’t know if that makes me delusional, or just a continuing result of the grieving process.
I lost the one thing that kept me going. And I regret that you did not know her better. I talk about a lot of things, but never what most important. I wanted to keep her a secret from my online persona. Because, I felt that it would compromise things.
I wish we took more pictures, shot more videos, had more adventures.
Having her cat is a constant reminder of her absence. I love him a lot and hes happy with me. Hes completely changed my life. I never thought inviting a pet into my home would be such a big deal, but it was. Hes like my kid, just a lot louder.
Many of her items are still in my house. I’m constantly finding little nick knacks and other keepsakes. Her work name badge, clothing, ear rings.
This is my life now. I’ll be processing this for as long as it takes, but there is no end in sight. This is yet another burden I carry.
I miss her…
You Can’t Be Substituted
I’m sitting alone at a dark table in the back of the Brass Rail.
All i can think about is how you can’t be replaced, exchanged, or substituted.
Not that I would want to. But you still haunt me. I just have to face it. That’s how it’s gonna be.
Code switch
I fucking hate my communications professor. Exertions he discusses black culture he comes off so ignorant. And I quote: “if a black person talks with class and intelligence with white people he is considered an Oreo.”
I reply. “No, we have a term for that we refer to a Code-Switching. If is considered a survival technique and taught to us by our parents in most cases to more easily integrate into a mostly white run society. Who don’t always understand our dialect.”
Again for the 5th time he looked at me and asked me to explain. So, again, I had to teach the class for 15 mins about blackness.
That's a movie foo!
me: Though, there is some evidence that some dinos are still around. And there are depiction of stegosaurus drawings on caves and art from the early centuries. There is a tribe in Africa that has a name for a certain dino. because.. well, they see it, often Researchers went in with books, educating them on stuff. Showed them pictures looking for fossils. Instead, the whole tribe saw a photo of one animal, and all called it by name. Scientists were all like, "no this is dead" Tribesmen were like, "fuck that, that nigga lives over there"
Scott: LOL. Thing is though like no matter what people have faith in things. And even though we can't prove something does or doesn't exist, people will believe in it as if they thought they saw it.
They'll cling to it, or for whatever reason they'll believe it. Lochness monster, Sasquatch, God, etc...
me: Well, lots of credible evidence of Sasquatch.
Scott: Right, but if that's true. Why haven't we found one dead or caught one, or have fossils. I mean really, If we wanted to catch one. we'd have one right now. It's not the ocean.
me: I mean, if Indian tribes lived here for hundreds of years in the forests. There is a good chance that off in Oregon there is something living there. Hell...there is a photo of a 50 foot python from an aircraft.
Scott: But I mean, if there was a REAL Sasquatch. ONE of those fuckers had to have died at some time, or they have to have some sort of natural predator.
me: Like yeah, lions and bears? We don't spend all day in the forests. Mountain Lion would have eaten a dead one. It would have decomposed and be taken off by scavengers. But they could take down a deer I think.
Scott: We take down deer, and Indians do too. But what I'm saying is that if we really wanted one, we'd have one same thing with lochness monster. But because we have this faith and reasoning for whatever we believe it exists.
me: Lochness, hmm. I'm not sure what that is or was. Technology had changed too. We have the ability to get better shots now.
Scott: It was like, some water dinosaur
me: I’m saying I don't know, like everyone else.
Scott: There's just like people, small isolated cases
me: world is filled with crap we don't know about
Scott: Where they say they've seen shit. And sure we're finding new things everyday but it's shit that people don't claim to have seen.
Scott: right. but what I'm saying is that's NEW stuff. An accident not something they're TRYING to catch for hundreds of years
me: Chances are, anyone who did almost catch Bigfoot, is dead. I mean, think about it. BIG ape man, smart has a human, Strong as a silver-back.
Scott: Even in groups? I don't think they're as smart as humans otherwise they'd have larger tribes everyone knows that power is in numbers.
me: Yeah, tell that to every group of humans in a movie that tried to take down '1' thing they did not fully understand. Nigga, you seen predator!
Scott: Man, shut up!
me: Predator, Jason, Alien, Cyborg robot thing!
Scott: PREDATOR HAD MOTHER FUCKING SHOULDER CANNONS FOOL, and laser sights before we even knew what that shit really was... and... that nigga could turn INVISIBLE FOO! I doubt big foot has that kind of intelligence. You're talking some planet of the apes shit.
me: You wanna catch a big foot, call Danny Glover! People always underestimating dumb. animals.
Scott: That's a MOVIE BRO!
me: Oh... oh yeah.
Do what you can.
Last night at Ruby Skye. Some douchebag pushed his GF against a wall cursing her out. People watched, no one got involved. I wanted to step in, but he was 3 times my size (litereraly). He stormed off, she was left in tears. Everyone walked away. I engaged.
I reminded her how remarkably beautiful she was and that the only one that can take that from her is herself. She looked at me as if no one had ever given her a compliment in her life. I wiped off her tears and departed.
I hope she gained something from that encounter.
There is an emptiness in my heart that I cant even describe in words. To call Rahsheka Keith my EX would be an understatement. She was my best friend. No matter what she and I were going through, I knew, we knew we could talk to each other about it.
She was not reckless, no way was she using the board as a sled. However, I know that once it slipped from under her she mentally froze. Maybe not, Maybe the snow and ice was too hard and she decided not to roll off. Maybe she stayed on so the board did not run into some kid down below. Or maybe it just happen too fast and there was nothing anyone could do. maybe it was just her time. It seem senseless to me, but I believe there is an order and purpose for everything. Maybe someday I’ll understand it.
We lived together for a few months. I even spent New Years with her. Went shopping before Christmas. We spoke to each other a lil over a week ago, it was kinda an argument. I have to live with the idea that the last living memory she had of me was perhaps of anger and frustration. She had a bright future ahead of her. All she ever wanted to do it help people. Loved children and the less fortunate.
I want to say she will be missed, but thats not the case. She “is” loved. From now and ever. I’m not missing her cause shes still here in her own way. she still speaks to me in her own way. I only morn her death, but I celebrate her spirit.
——————————————————————
R.I.P Rahsheka Joyce Keith
(http://www.skihelmets.org/2011/01/student-killed-at-lake-tahoe-without-snowboard-helmet/)
——————————————————————
